All Writing – Thickstache

Stories

I’m Good at Complaining (April 2010) - This post is basically the 2010 equivalent of the practice I had as a child of bi-annually scribbling down my incoherent and frustrated thoughts in whatever journal I had received as a gift that year. Now that I’ve gained a modicum of self control, some technological wherewithal, and about 60lbs (I was HOT), I no… Read More »

How I Lost My Fear of Being White in Compton (April 2010) - It was a dry, yellow day in Los Angeles when I clomped my way up Hollywood Boulevard to tour one of Frank Lloyd Wright’s architectural treats, the Hollyhock House. The couple that joined me was from Pittsburgh and the husband was a Lloyd Wright aficionado. I felt very artsy, cultured, and even privileged to be… Read More »

Vanity in the Bonfire (April 2009) - Beneath that column of smoke in the distance is a building fire, an engine crew, a little piece of hell. Inside that building, impossibly hot, labyrinthine, and dark, is a firefighter crawling through ash, embers, a thousand ordinary objects displaced. There is a recall on the radio. The rescuer starts to leave but sees another… Read More »

Chocolate Cake Conspiracies (December 2008) - I like to compare radical theories or conspiracies to a thick slice of moist, dark chocolate cake. Personally, I have troubles resisting it’s sweet icing coated crust and moist fluffy bitter sweet dough. Nibbling bit by bit I can enjoy each bite as much as the last; dissecting it’s many flavours, each sending a shiver… Read More »

An open letter to parents: Don’t fuck up! (December 2008) - People getting older without growing up is nothing new. I’d just like to say that Generation X (whatever that means) is a little more honest about it than previous generations. We may feel anxiety about surfing the couch deep into our thirties, but at least we don’t fake it by getting married and having kids… Read More »

A Modest Proposal… (November 2008) - … For preventing the female children of Catholics in Alberta from escaping the mortal dangers of cancer as related to HPV as related to premarital sex I for one applaud the Bishop Henry in having the foresight to realize that inoculating female children against HPV and the potential resultant cervical cancer is an invitation to… Read More »

Celine is Okay (September 2008) - I know there’s not much to say about it. Many before me have duly noted the quasi-tragi-comedy of the plight of the enlightened suburbanite; well, one chooses one’s own poison, as they say. There is really no point in discussing the neighbor’s choices, for when the eye is turned inward, there is much to note… Read More »

In Memoriam: My Ultimate Career, aged 12, dies. (September 2008) - My Ultimate Career died Sunday afternoon from a fatal combination of sarcasm, attention deficit and heat stroke. It was twelve years old. My Career often longed for the days of its youth which contained naked Congo lines and hot tub fights, hallucinogens on the dance floor and “that time Damien and Woody drove the car… Read More »

Progress Report (August 2008) - Patient: 22 year old woman, surgery August 20th, 2008 AD. Gorgeous, smart, accomplished. 1. Perscription painkillers – A+ B.1 Why are you laughing Nurse, who’s the one on percocet? – B(itch) 4. That stupid nurse – 0/∞ Sleeping – ZZZZZZZZZZZZ- a) Who CARES what your words say, book. They’re MOVING. 2. Pain free instead of… Read More »

Observations, Humorous (July 2008) - You’re a grown-up now, because your e-mail address doesn’t require an explanation, isn’t an inside joke, and won’t make your mother blush. Other indications include the fact that your emotional baggage which was once small enough to fit in the overhead bin is now a Samsonite matched 3-piece set, you regularly lose things in your… Read More »

Brian Declared Linguistic Pioneer (September 2007) - I am flattered that you want to read more of my Akira Kurosawa article. It was written in about 30 minutes so please be tolerant of syntax and grammar mistakes. In regard to your query, I’m not sure what affordable housing has to do with my linguistic genius but perhaps Calgary’s housing issues can’t be solved by… Read More »

What Up Bitches? (May 2007) - Now that you have all wholly processed our first day out-of-country, you can gorge yourself on this 11 day information smorgasbord. We spent a couple nights in BA, where it rained. This goes against what we envisioned for this trip, so I shook my fist at the heavens, then put on a rain coat. We… Read More »

Apartments (November 2006) - So you’re a renter in Calgary. Take a couple deep breaths my friend, you’re going to be okay. I know, I know… with the city’s extremely vigorous housing market the way it is, every year our home owning pals gain thousands of dollars on their investment, while the cost of a new dwelling becomes harder… Read More »

A Very Convenient Lie (November 2006) - A Correspondence with Licia Corbella, Editor, The Calgary Sun From: Brian McAsey To: Licia Corbella Dear Ms Corbella, I want to comment on your opinion piece entitled Canada Should Breathe Easy: Inconvenient truth for pro-Kyoto crowd, as published on Tuesday November 14 2006. Your advice “for Canadians who don’t believe the facts [of your] column… Read More »

Ezra’s Progress or The Ideologue’s Harvest An Allegorical (October 2006) - Noir Story of the Murder of Neo Con …Ezra knocked Lefty Liberal to the floor and repeated his question. “I tell you I didn’t kill her…I wish I did though,” said Lefty petulantly. Ezra kicked him in the ribs. “I told you I didn’t touch her!” protested Lefty resuming the fetal position. “Oh, I believed… Read More »

A Letter To A Day Home (August 2006) - Dear Jennifer, I want to thank you for agreeing to look after Tighe this coming year. You are the ideal person in my mind to look after our son. We spent a great deal of time trying to find a great day home for the odd days we needed but in the end all we… Read More »

Contempt and Loathing at the Calgary International Film Festival (May 2006) - Sometime around seven o’clock on Thursday evening I lost the last of my enthusiasm for the Calgary International Film Festival. I can pinpoint it to the moment a petulant Gary Burns looked over at me and muttered “Fuck off”. In my ensuing rage I made an attempt to rob Canada of one of its upstart… Read More »

A Letter to Fiji’s Now Deposed Leader Qarase (February 2006) - Dear Prime Minister Qarase, Ni Sa Yadra. I hope I got that right. My name is Brian and I am writing you about an opportunity I’d like to explore in Fiji. I didn’t know who best to write to so please forgive me if writing to you, the Prime Minister, is a faux pas. Direct… Read More »

The Wood For The Trees (August 2002) - There aren’t any people who sweep anymore Save for a few old women who won’t be here much longer And after they’re gone things will look much poorer And dustier, and grungier, and smell much stronger. But we won’t be here to suffer that fate We’ll move up into the hills where things are much… Read More »

Demon (April 2001) - I know there is something evil crouched up in the May tree Lying wide-awake in bed I can feel its eyes on me Peering in through the blinds out in the cold night purple-lit The wind is telling me that it’s there but I cannot see it I can never see it but I know… Read More »

Ultimate On The Dark Continent (February 2000) - Along the south western-most curve of the African continent the Cape peninsula juts tangentially southwards and effectively demarcates the domains of the Atlantic ocean, welling cold and clear out of Antarctica, and of the Indian, flowing tropical from the northeast. There, rising out of the Cape Flats and nestled among the peaks and oceans of… Read More »

Tales From The West Coast Trail (January 1999) - My Mind Right Now is like the Blunt Splintery Burls of the Driftwood Log: It is Catching and Pulling on the Fabric of my Thoughts -i- There we watched in silence as the full moon rose Slow above the ancient Sitka wall so close To sunset that still the last of the day’s light Lingered… Read More »

The Cellophane Death Shroud of the Ghoul-Man (January 1999) - This is the song that I sing for my soul To help me pass on from the time of my death Till I find out the trick of a peaceful rebirth And I pick up the pieces and breathe with new breath I know I have always been outside looking in From the time I… Read More »

Poetry

My Pants (July 2010) - Punching the pig Filling my pants Drinking some milk Smelling my hands Sweating all night Taking a bath Smelling my hands Filling my pants Grumping all day Farting a bit Drinking more milk Farting a lot Looking real cute Having a nap Clenching my fists Filling my pants

Dusk (September 2009) - What a crazy clash of color Is there fire in your eyes? Orange flashes and it crashes As around your face it flies Orange leaping all around you Setting fire to the leaves From the gaps between the buildings And playing off the trunks of trees Through the lilting of your senses Cacophony of motion… Read More »

Prophesy (July 2007) - Around the ferryboat the cloud wall swirls Pulling us through into a different world We left our car on the near side We left the condos, we left the r.v.’s We left the franchise fry pits We just don’t want it, Anymore And while we have no idea what might be waiting on the shore… Read More »

The Futurist (November 2002) - I am G-Man, Prince of New Street and I sing the love of danger! With mind and machines so fleet, I smashed my motor coach today On pavements slicked and wet with sleet against another motor coach. Head on our velocities twinned and I felt the rush of power Even as my consciousness dimmed and… Read More »

Suburbia (April 2002) - She doesn’t have a car and she lives out in the suburbs I’m sure by now she’s realized that her lot in life’s absurd. He drives their only car, a Grand Am GT, Back and forth to work each day, to and from the city. He drives it really fast, he puts it through its… Read More »

The Silver and the Gold (May 2001) - The silver and the gold mingle beautifully in this beam The character of the silver seems like the experience Of the old when it serves as wisdom, a connection with us, A bridge to fling across the chasm into the world, a sense Of relation and cooperation, to stand as it must Within this light… Read More »

The Moon Is Slowly Slipping From The Sky (February 2001) - The moon is slowly slipping from the sky Slowly but it will be gone by sunrise And every pregnant second that it slips Becomes more full like Buddha’s bee-stung lips The city sparkles brightly in the night Brightly as it is touched by day’s first light And I walk west into a dawn so strange… Read More »

Book Reviews

Marcello Di Cintio (October 2006) - When Calgarian travel writer Marcello Di Cintio was offered a book deal by Knopf Canada, he didn’t play it safe with a fun excursion and light hearted reflection of exotica. Instead, he chose to go on an odyssey of Persian poetry and wrestling, finding out how the two seemingly offbeat and disparate activities complement each… Read More »

Film Reviews

Just Don’t Call Me Late For Dinner (August 2010) - A dozen years ago there was a black comedy French film called Le diner de cons. The story is about a group of prominent French businessmen who hold a weekly dinner to see who could invite the biggest idiot. The film was popular and spun off into a theatrical version and there was a Hindi… Read More »

Paul May Be Dead But This Film Is Boring (August 2010) - The Last Testament of George Harrison is a feature documentary narrated by an audio recording allegedly made by the late titular Beatle. Apparently, Harrison just before his death decided to expose a massive cover-up that plagued him and his former band-mates for decades. The terrible secret is the fact that Paul McCartney died in an… Read More »

Atom Egoyan’s Chloe is Creepy, Sexy… and Lousy (April 2010) - Living in a post-Austin Powers world unfortunately means the name Chloe evokes images of a web-footed, French child prostitute with evil progeny. Not so with Atom Egoyan’s thriller Chloe. The Canadian director’s most recent film offering, last spotted at the Toronto Film Festival in fall of 2009, is now in wide release. Touted as an… Read More »

White Ribbon a Blue Ribbon Effort (April 2010) - Austrian filmmaker Michael Haneke makes the bleakest and most disturbing films you have ever seen. He also makes some of the most beautiful, intelligent and relevant films to flicker against the screen. Whether it is the horrifying Funny Games or the Kafkaesque Cache the Teutonic cineaste manages to challenge what he calls the “American barrel down cinema that dis-empowers… Read More »

The Ten Best Horror Films You’ve Never Seen (September 2009) - This Halloween video stores will be swamped with patrons clamouring to be scared silly. In the finite universe of horror-cinema most will settle for a franchise fright film or take a chance on an array of current B movie offerings– but not you sweet scare-seeking cinephile. The following list of overlooked horror films, not obscure… Read More »

Walk Towards the Light: 2009 Calgary Underground Film Festival (April 2009) - Do you love film? Have you ever been in an ecstatic state during a viewing of a movie, experienced something akin to a lucid dream watching celluloid? Are you itching to discover the next Slumdog Millionaire and become part of the process of catapulting an unknown film to fame by word of mouth? If the… Read More »

Pontypool: Shut Up or Die! (March 2009) - Bruce McDonald Talks Pontypool is one of those weird words you roll around your mouth like a jawbreaker while you try to recall the proper way to describe it. Itis also the apropos title for Canadian film icon Bruce McDonald’s most recent avant-garde celluloid offering. McDonald is best known for his seminal works Hard Core Logo, Highway… Read More »

Entre Le Murs is in a Class above the Rest (February 2009) - Good news for film lovers, filmmaker Laurent Cantet’s Entre Le Murs (The Class) has finally found its way into the cultural backwater that is Calgary. A virtual black hole of English coverage exists for the film and unless you are a reader of French Playboy or the supplemental arts section of Le Monde you probably… Read More »

Popcorn Rapture: The Best and Worst of Cinema in 2008 (November 2008) - Another year of sitting in dark rooms watching flickering light against the wall has come and gone. The year in cinema hasn’t been the best one in memory but some films stood out from the rest. If you just woke up from that diabetic induced coma from last Christmas you have some work ahead of… Read More »

Got Milk? (November 2008) - Just when Calgary homophobes thought it was safe to return to the multiplex Gus Van Sant returns with a quintessential masterpiece of New Queer Cinema intended for mainstream audiences. Milk pushes the film envelope and in the process makes Brokeback Mountain look as straight as Rio Grande. Notwithstanding the commercial challenges of a biopic on America’s ill-fated,… Read More »

Beautiful Losers an Awkward Winner (November 2008) - Although I fancy myself a film snob and love the lure of Toronto, Park City, Cannes, and Venice, I have to confess that Calgary Underground Film Festival (CUFF) is my favourite film fest-well, my favourite local film festival at least. These curators of fine cinema have a knack for finding films that are off-beat, quirky,… Read More »

Film Review: The Golden Door (July 2007) - The Golden Door is an iconic tale of an early 20th century Sicilian family’s journey to America. Entitled abroad as simply, Nuovomondo the blandly named and visually striking Italian film won the 2006 Venice Film Festival’s Silver Lion for best picture, scored a further two wins at Cannes, and won best director kudos for Emmanuele Crialese at… Read More »

Film Review: 1408 (June 2007) - 1408 is the latest Stephen King story adapted to screen and is opening wide in theatres this week. It is a fairly standard horror plot where a rabid rationalist meets his match when he attempts to debunk the stories surrounding a haunted inn – in this instance an extraordinarily evil hotel room in Manhattan. John… Read More »

Film Review: Sicko (June 2007) - Sicko is a film about the state of the American health care system, it is high art and easily the best film I’ve seen this year. Sicko marks Michael Moore’s fifth feature since his start in film at the late age of 35. In his relatively short career Moore has taken the documentary genre from… Read More »

Finally! A Celebration of Terrible Film (December 2006) - Sometime between Arnold Schwarzenegger forcing a woman to fellatiate a carrot in a travelogue film and the outtakes of an RV commercial in which an enraged actor takes to chasing flies I realized the genius of the Found Footage Festival. There is simply nothing as entertaining as the guilty Teutonic pleasure of schadenfreude-delighting in someone’s… Read More »