Popcorn Rapture: The Best and Worst of Cinema in 2008

Another year of sitting in dark rooms watching flickering light against the wall has come and gone. The year in cinema hasn’t been the best one in memory but some films stood out from the rest. If you just woke up from that diabetic induced coma from last Christmas you have some work ahead of you. Next time get some popcorn to go with the candy and even out that blood sugar.

Best up and coming performer
Chiwetel Ejiofor-Great actor that kept Red Belt from being a total piece of crap

Best Comedies

Tropic Thunder-Tom Cruise playing a smarmy studio head made a funny film hilarious
Forgetting Sarah Marshall-Male nudity and the funniest soundtrack since Spinal Tap
Pineapple Express-Look out for the stoner action film genre to become the new film noir

Actors in Need of a New Agent

John Cusack-War Inc, Martian Child, 1408
Adam Sandler-Don’t Mess with the Zohan, Chuck and Larry, Reign Over Me
Mike Myers-Love Guru, Shrek (to the nth power), Cat in the Hat

Actresses in need of a New Agent
Megan Fox-So far she has under her belt two Transformer movies and a film entitled Whore
Joan Cusack-See genetic defect John Cusack (above)-run away from your brother run!
Meryl Streep-Rendition, Lions for Lambs, Mama Mia

Director in Need of Real Project
Steven Sorderbergh-Good German, Ocean’s 13, Bubble and one full year without rain

Worst Well Received Films of the Year
Beverly Hills Chihuahua-WTF?
The Bucket list-Jack Nicholson is on an obnoxious form of career cruise control

Worst Films of the Year (a small sample)

Saw 5-I bet there are snuff films with more class
Passchendaele-Alberta has no money for the arts but the premier ponied up a cool million for this dud after a drinking session with talentless Paul Gross

Eagle Eye-I’d rather watch paint dry
Choke-I’d rather drink paint

Guilty pleasures-Bad films that I liked anyway
Redbelt-David Mamet just misses in the mixed martial art flick
Be Kind Rewind-I wish I could have rented a film from these guys
Heartbreak Kid-I wish I had only seen the first 40 minutes and imagined the rest

Sexiest Film
Vicky Christina Barcelona-Watching endless permutations of Rebecca Hall, Scarlett Johansson, and Penelope Cruz making out with each other is not too shabby

Best Actress
No award this year due to lack of decent roles for females in film-blame it on Hollywood misogynists

Best Actor
Sean Penn, Milk-You can win a hundred Oscars but if you suck just once…
Heath Ledger, Dark Knight-I liked him in Brokeback Mountain and I’m sorry he’s dead but it didn’t influence my vote
Thomas Haden Church, Smart People- Most underappreciated actor in Hollywood

Best Foreign Film
Persepolis-Also the best animated film of the year

Best Documentaries
Taxi to the Dark Side-Definitive film on America’s use of torture post 9-11
Man on Wire-The story behind the artistic crime of the century
Encounters at the End of the World-An eerie and beautiful journey below Antarctica

Best Feature
Synecdoche, New York-Postmodernist filmmaker Charlie Kaufman pushes the envelope further than ever
Vicky Christina Barcelona-Woody Allen proves his genius and ability with a film to rival his masterpiece Manhattan
Milk-The definitive mainstreamed queer film biopic about the martyr of the gay movement Harvey Milk–And I’m proud to say, Beatroute was the only media outlet in attendance!

There it is, the year in a nutshell. Now make a resolution for the new year to go to better films, read more subtitles, and attend at least one local film festival.

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